Ugh. I’m going to have to do it again. Ugh. There are many things I have to do repeatedly: mow the lawn, wash the dishes, pay the bills. This one, however, involves an emotional hurdle that also involves money. If my finances don’t improve, I’m going to have to draw from my home equity loan (HELOC) to pay those bills, have food to put on those dishes, and keep this house which includes continuing to mow the lawn – and trim tend the landscaping, and the fence, and the…, and the…

It is hard enough having to recover from a financial upset for over ten years. Emotionally a daily drag through some of the worst dramas I’ve known. The good news is that I’ve been able to keep my house through some previous upsets. Ah, thanks. Despite the turmoil that was part of avoiding foreclosure, that episode resulted in a low interest (~4.5%) mortgage interest rate, though stretched out over 40 years. But, a few years ago, I thought I’d have to sell because I wasn’t making enough as a realtor (down), but then learned that I could borrow against my house (up.) Get to stay in my house. Get to stay on Whidbey Island. Surely, my financial doldrums would be temporary.

Nope. Nothing sustainable has arrived either through W-2s, 1099s, my business attempts, or the lottery. I found a job that paid more than enough, but it was mentally unsustainable. I found a job that was emotionally more fulfilling, but it turned out to be more temporary than I expected.

Yada. Yada. You’ve heard it all, or at least hints or versions of it.

I am not in a dire situation. I didn’t make enough as a realtor, but my house’s market value has grown more than enough. My truck broke down, but thanks to that HELOC I was able to buy a used Jeep. My septic system generated a big repair bill, HELOC, again. Credit card debt, retired, then unretired, now about to be re-retired.

But, but, but…emotions kick in.

Personal finance is personal, and personal things can energize emotions.

HELOCs have limits. One of those episodes meant having to dip into it and crossing that 50% line. I’d tapped it for more than half its value. That other half I wanted to keep safe as a guard against emergencies. There’s sufficient margin left in that HELOC’s loan limit for over a year’s living expenses, maybe two. But I am not going to get that close to the edge. Emotional resistance spikes. I don’t wanna. I don’t wanna. I … guess I’ll have to. Maybe this is the emergency, albeit a slow one.

You probably know I wrote a book about personal finance. (Dream. Invest. Live.) Having done that and continuing to write about personal finance through ups and downs heightens my emotions. It was initially embarrassing to make myself that vulnerable. I fielded comments from both sides as various voices from various wealth classes contacted me. The responses have been illustrative enough to encourage a sequel, but I digress. (But I do take the opportunity to mention the sci-fi book series I am writing, Firewatcher, et al, and the screenplay based on a true story in my family during the Age of Sail that I am writing. That sequel won’t be soon, unless someone makes me a good enough offer.)

The HELOC comes with a double whammy, lately. Have you noticed increased interest rates? Yeah. The HELOC’s interest rate payments are become one of my largest monthly bills. If I borrow more from the HELOC, the HELOC is going to increase my expenses. Maybe two years of living expenses? Maybe one.

By the numbers, I don’t have to immediately worry, but personal finance is personal, hence emotional, hence I worry. Money and love can change in a day, but in the meantime, it is too easy to concentrate too much on the negative emotion.

As one friend paraphrased, “Celebrate your emotions, both the good and the bad ones. They prove you are human and alive.”

And, as a friend posted on Instagram (TarotTeaYogini heavily paraphrased), “Recognize the emotions. Respect them. Then, let them pass. Make decisions based on something grounded. You are in control of your life.”

Someone can diagram this as stages of how we respond to trauma, or something like that. Go for it.

I skipped the diagramming and substituted chuckling. There’s enough there; quit worrying about it. Remember that love and money and luck can change in a day. Go ahead, buy that lottery ticket. Pleasant dreams aid positive mental health. But don’t be stupid or silly about it. Besides, I could win; and even if I don’t, I’m contributing to someone else’s Really Good Luck.

I rarely use the word ‘hate,’ but debt gets me close to it. I also realize, however, that debt enables this house, my car, home repairs, some living expenses – and may be temporary.

Sure, I could win the lottery. But, even if my finances don’t improve soon, selling my house will clear all of my debts. I’d lose my house. I’d have to move off the island. I’d have to start over with making friends. But, for one place I’m considering (Port Angeles, WA), my monthly expenses would drop ~$1,600. No debt And saving over a grand a month? That’s appealing, downright attractive. That’s the flip side of this emotional ride.

Nothing is for certain. Inflation is up, but it and interest rates can come down. Gentrification is driving costs up on Whidbey, but I’m fairly frugal (which some would say is a #MassiveUnderstatement.) My ten-year photo essay of Whidbey Island is done; now I ‘just’ have to sell it. My other eight books continue to generate interest, though not enough yet, and yet they could. Classes, photos, consulting all could grow into living income. My stocks can recover – significantly. And to repeat myself, everything can change in a day. Which day? I don’t know.

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It is easy and somewhat justifiable to see finances as a barrier. It is hard to pull yourself up by your bootstraps when you don’t have boots. Sometimes that barrier is not a barrier but it is a hurdle. Leap tall buildings and get to where you’re going. Stop and consider, however, and that barrier that was actually a hurdle was actually a gateway – a gateway that, when approached after emotions subside, becomes a transformative path. But, just because you’re on a path, there may be a better one. There are no guarantees, regardless of how positively a philosophy is portrayed.

I didn’t expect this post to go in this direction. (What? You thought I plan these posts? Ha!) But it reminds me that, however things look now, change is inevitable because change is the only constant.

Maybe living off debt for a little while longer is the cost of doing business. Instead of opening a storefront with inventory and advertising and insurance costs, maybe this is my opportunity to finish a book or three, a screenplay, and something(s) else.